Navigating Life's Labyrinth

Life is a whimsical dancer, while at times it can be a monster. I'm in the midst of a tug of war between the good, the bad, and the ugly (for lack of a better description). As previously posted about, I am still headed through a forest of dark feelings but I'm trying to reconcile. Guilt about my own irresponsible and selfish decisions, which I'm trying to own. Confusion about what I believe. Anxiety befuddling my every action. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm sorting it all out slowly but surely. I was hospitalized after everything in my mind came to a festering head and exploded in an overwhelming and unfamiliar display of frightening and delusional thinking. I felt as if I no longer had control over my thoughts. At the hospital I literally wanted to die. I wasn't sure what was real or who I was, and I was certain I wouldn't return home. I believe that was my worst and I'm still working on getting back to my life and sinking back into reality. I was started on medications that seem to be working reasonably. Mental illness has plagued my mother and a lot of my close family so I'm not surprised to find myself facing issues. I know I will persevere.

I have had little contact with my friend Boh in recent times, an obvious and understandable result of his companion returning from overseas. I was really quite upset at first but I soon realized it was for the best. I love having a best friend but I feel like something is different. It's also a bit upsetting when I can't kill a mosquito without my friend suggesting that I'm some sort of malicious murderer for ending the life of a bug. There is such a thing as the circle of life. I appreciate the life of a mosquito in the circle but we didn't get where we are today by letting mosquitoes and rats dominate. I don't believe it's too much to ask that friends respect my ability to decide for myself when it is justifiable to kill a mosquito. I love Boh as a best friend and the times we got to share, but I recognize when change has taken place and I accept that. If we become close again in the future that change will be welcomed, great friends can go without speaking for years and suddenly pick it back up like an epic dub-step remix.

Now that the bad and the ugly are out of the way, I can get to the good that is the Holidays! I've so enjoyed this holiday season. Halloween was mischievous and fun. Thanksgiving was a great feast with tons of food and plenty to be thankful. My birthday was full of surprises, bowling, and 300 foot swings. Finally, Christmas came with much time spent having fun with my favorite and only niece Kailey. I was able to buy everyone close to me a little something and made a little money go a long way. My roommates were all in good spirits and the house was decorated with that special touch of homosexual pizzazz. You know it looked super amazingly gay if I used the word "pizzazz". I didn't get to see my mother on Christmas day as I had planned, but soon we're going back to Palm Bay to swoop up my niece again and so we'll stay and spend some time with my mom then.

As the new year approaches I know what weather I face. I know there will be the usual thunderstorms and rain for which I have umbrella in hand. After the year I've had I feel that I can get through any kind of weather, be it a bright sunshiny day or a dark and vexing whirlwind. I've learned this year that you can never have enough time with family and you should never take love for granted. My first new years resolution is to spend more time with my family and more time appreciating my amazing boyfriend Cliff. I could not go without the corny I Love You's, pillow talk, and rubbing lotion on his putrid feet.

 Cake for the employee birthdays in December.
Not very personal but those polar bears are pretty awesome!

Birthday Bowling

The perfect birthday gift, I've always wanted to crap myself 300 feet in the air. =)

 The bowling alley

The best first ever from the best grandmother ever!

Uhhhh... why did I upload this again? LoL

 

WON TON AT THE CHINA WOK!!!

 Christmas Shopping with my lovey

Denny's

 Pink and Green Oreo Rice Crispy Treats! My illest creation!

The adorable Reese kitty

Our humble little Christmas Tree all covered in balls!

At Manatee Cove with my favorite niece

Kailey opening up her Chirstmas Furby!

Cliff opening up his Christmas foot spa!

I love Zero, but this is going back to the store... lol

 SO FLIPPIN GOOD! Compliments of chef Cliff, it was superb and we're still feasting on leftovers!

My hair is growing back...

My hair finally started growing back about a week ago. It's super soft like baby hair. It's still very thin on my head but it's nice to see that it's coming back! A large portion of my physical strength has returned and I've been able to get out and jog a few times with some good results. My feet go numb when I jog, but it seems to be getting better. There are a lot of dark markings on my shoulders as well as the rest of my body but they too seem to be getting better, although very slowly. Physically I'm making a pretty good recovery and I feel much better. No more fevers to worry about.

Even though I should be happy about the progress I'm making, I have to admit that I don't feel quite as great inside. I'm not sure exactly why, but I have been dealing with the most horrible depression and anxiety for somewhere around 2 weeks. Just when I finally get a grip and the unwanted thoughts and feelings subside, I have an intrusive thought that throws me right back to square one. I can only describe what's happening as drowning in my own thoughts. It makes me feel literally insane at times and then I calm down and I know I'm not going crazy. The relentless confusion of going back and forth in my head gets so bad that physical symptoms begin to manifest like headaches, shaking, shortness of breath. It goes away when I am keeping busy but I have been ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away for too long, it's time now that I face it and move on.

I know it can't be good for my health to let these thoughts consume me. How though do you fight an enemy that you cannot see? How do you solve a problem that isn't there, and how to explain it to others when you don't even understand it yourself?

It seems to me that I am stuck in a mental rut of some kind and it will take time and all the patience I have inside of me to overcome it. I've got to stay confident that I will feel like myself again soon. There is no simple quick fix to problems like these. It just sucks that I feel this way when my birthday is coming up. I have plans to go bowling with Cliff, Boh, Julio, my sister, and my niece. I'm really looking forward to it, I can't let this problem keep me from enjoying my 24th birthday.

To make things a bit worse my mother fell recently and ripped her abdominal surgery wound open. There was blood all over the floor and couch. My niece had to come home and find it, that sight would be traumatic to any child. I'm told my mother's condition is not serious. I suppose they just had to close the wound and she will have to be more careful. I'm very worried about my mother still everyday and I wish there were more I could do. If and when she passes I am going to be a mess. She doesn't deserve to suffer like this, nobody does.

Oh, I just hope that things get better and that I feel like myself again soon. Recently I haven't been able to accomplish much because my thoughts are all crazy and out of control. I have felt this way before and been through so much worse that I know this too shall pass. So much to be thankful for in my life and for the people around me who offer their friendship, love, and support, I don't think I would be here without you. If anything ever happened to Cliff I would certainly lose it. He is the most loving and supportive boyfriend I have ever had in my life.

As for the coming year, I can't wait to get a jump on it! I have plans to make a solid attempt at starting school. I tried to apply for financial aid a couple years ago. Because I was under 24 I had to include a lot of information from my mother including proof that she didn't file her taxes. The IRS would not provide us with the documentation I needed and I gave up trying out of frustration. This time when I apply I will be 24 and I will not need to involve my mother with the application. I can't wait to be in school again learning and doing something new. I've been wanting to give collage a shot for the longest time. I'm finally in a position where it is possible so there's no reason to put it off any further.

YYyYYYYYAaAAaAAaaAaAYYYyyyYYyy!!!!!!!!

The final dose of Bleomycin was given this past Monday. What a tryingly unpleasant week it has been. It began with a fever scare as it always does, peaking at 103.8. I was at Boh's house and he looked after me with the utmost care. Truly a friend indeed. I felt flimsy and faded in and out. To sleep felt amazing, the pain and bad feelings would leave me but I was afraid to allow myself to sleep without Boh watching my breathing and checking my temperature. I was shivering but so hot at the same time. It felt good to lay under a thick comforter, but a website Boh found advised us that laying under a thick blanket may feel good but it actually increases a fever. The night was very long but eventually my fever did start to subside and we both went to sleep. In the morning I felt much better although still had a low-grade fever.

The rest of this week has been alright. Ups and downs and ins and outs but all in all I'm just glad  I can start to recover at this point. I was denied medicaid. I'm not sure how this country can treat it's people with such disrespect and leave us to fend for ourselves in our time of need. I was denied service at the hospital for a test my doctor requested. It's absolutely outlandish to think that anyone with cancer or any life-threatening disease can be turned away because of inability to pay. It makes me so furious I could implode.

My hope is that the worst is over though and I plan to get my life back on track and live each day to the fullest of my ability. I have a lot I want to do and I've already gotten a jump on accomplishing them. Earlier in the week, despite the looming symptoms of Bleomycin, I pursued and acquired my driving permit! I did so only with the help of my best friend Boh. I'm not sure what my next goal is. One of them is to actually learn to drive and upgrade to Class E Driver's license. I also want to learn to ride a motorcycle. Start my website JitterBob.com. Exit the country in effort to prove to myself that there is in fact something better out there than craptastic America. I want to do a lot of traveling when my situation and finances allow. That includes a road trip with Boh. I want to skydive, and jetski, and at least attempt to surf. Eventually I will make a list, it'll be so long that I'll never run out of things to do. ^_^

I feel confident at this point that I will have long healthy life so long as I take extra good care of my body. I'll need catscans and probably labwork every 3 to 6 months. I'm sure I'll always have that daunting fear in the back of my mind haunting me. The fear that cancer could strike again, or that it already has and it isn't being detected. The fear that my health will deteriorate earlier than expected. I can't let those things control my life though. Whatever will be will be, it's just a great reason to live life to it's fullest and never let a day pass you by or take it for granted. With the friends and family I have I am whole lot less worried. A big thank you to those who helped me again, I certainly cannot thank them enough.

Bleomycin is bad

The last long week of chemo has come and passed. I was lazy with blogging but you didn't miss much. I saw a movie with Boh that week, got poked and prodded on the daily, felt like a toxic old man all week and that was pretty much that. This past Monday I had a short day of chemo. Although it's shorter and only one day rather than all week, Bleomycin injections are the worst of them all. It's Wednesday and I still have a sore throat. The day I get injected with Bleomycin always starts with almost no effect. As the day trickles by I get hot and groggy as the soreness in my throat goes sore and the fever starts to creep up on me and no matter how much water I drink it always wins. By the end of the day I don't want to do anything but lay in a fetal position on my bed without moving at all. I have to constantly guzzle bottle after bottle of water to keep my fever low-grade. After so many trips to Osler and one long trip to the hospital it's become obvious that there is no infection causing any of the side effects. That didn't stop them from pumping me full of so many antibiotics that I can't remember how many. It's absolutely disgusting. I get one more dose of the horrible toxin this Monday and I'm DONE. I honestly don't know if I would be up for more if my health situation called for it. Luckily it doesn't, so for now I'm not even going to address the hypothetical situation.

This week I went to lunch with Cliff and his newly married brother and sister-in-law. I hate to complain but my burger tasted like fish and I barely squirmed through my discomfort as the side effects of Bleomycin were rearing their ugly heads at me. Cliff's brother and sister are very nice and seemed pretty happy together. I couldn't accompany them for the evening adventures around town or to the allegedly delicious fancy breakfast in the morning. I was pretty peeved to miss out but there will be more time for fun when I'm recovered and well.

This morning I woke up feeling a bit better, the fever seems to have receded but my throat is still sore. Cliff is going to Orlando for another management training function and I'm going to Boh's house for the night. We have some adventures planned followed by pumpkin carving back at my house the next night. I'm looking forward to it so these side effects better stay out of my way. You can't keep a Mat down for long.

My Last 3 Weeks of Chemo the Rapey.

A 103 degree fever and few dozen pokes later, I started my 3rd and final cycle of chemotherapy today. It went fairly well. No adverse side effects yet, my energy is okay, and IV was placed and set on the first try. Boh stayed with me for just a couple of hours, but he had to go to work at 2. Tomorrow Boh has to go to a doctor appointment in Miami for his eyeball. His poor retina has issues. I feel bad, my vision is no good but I have never had to have a needle in my eye for my vision problems. That's the last place I ever want a needle. That means no Boh or anyone at chemo, I'll be all alone but that's okay.

I did have a fever a few nights ago and I ended up being instructed by my oncologist to go to the Hospital for direct admission. Boh drove me, and stayed the entire time with me. It ended up being a 3 day venture. We drove to the wrong Hospital first, but it was okay because when we got to the correct location, it left much to be desired for the previous. It was a much more comfortable place to be. What made it most comfortable though, was have my best friend with me. What other friend or person at all would have endured the entire 3 days of hospital boredom with me? Who would want to? Would you? i wouldn't want to spend it with me, so if you said yes you're probably lying. Anyway... =) It was almost fun. We played video games and did friend stuff. We made it interesting but we were both very ready to do by discharge time.

I'm so glad to have this chemo business coming to an end. There is no guarantee my problems won't return, and I still have a mess of others to deal with, but this particular detour has been greatly disabling. If i had to be on chemo for a long time, I couldn't go to school or get much accomplished. Luckily youth is on my side and I don't feel like giving up yet. going through this has only made me see life more positively because i appreciate it more now than before. The delicate state of being alive could be fully realized especially when my fevers jumped to high temperatures. It literally feels like death is on your horizon when you are sick enough. It's a good lesson to learn so long as you don't actually die afterwords. <(^_^)> It's not practical to never  take anything for grated, there is too much to appreciate in life to be aware of it all, all the time, always acknowledging it and being thankful for it. However I have made some real progress at attaining a constant general appreciate for life. It's a good state of mind to have. Scoffing at life or saying things like "I hate my life" or manifests for pain for you, and that sort of pain is the worst kind in my opinion.

Anyway, enough ramblings. I'm going to do something constructive like reassemble my hairbrush collection in order based on bristle density, or  manicure my cuticles.



I'm not actually going to do either of those things... ever. :)

Severe Pokey Trauma

I haven't felt great lately. I have been mostly too tired to really get up and do anything, including write in this blog. I feel okay for the moment so I'll take this opportunity to jot a few lines. I had chemo today and had to be poked a total of 5 times. I never minded needles before, I figured I'd just get used to them but after the experiences I've had with them I am sick and tired of being poked. So many times the vein is missed or there is some malfunction. I have too many dots on my arms to count. Today was horrible, the first stick wouldn't give blood and left a painful bruise. The IV clotted and a new one needed to be run. The 4th stick caused my vein to swell. The 5th was successful, but by that time I was pretty agitated. I just need to make it through one more cycle without my veins collapsing or infiltrating. They are becoming more narrow and discolored because of all the chemo.

I had a fever today and it's just now teetering back to normal range. This is exactly the same as the last cycle. At the start of the 2nd week I had a horrible sore throat and a fever later that night. I got the same symptoms this time but the sore throat was less severe. My main symptom now is just fatigue. I get home and free fall into the bed, my limbs go limp and I don't want to move for a few hours.

Cliff has been very good to me as a partner and Boh has been the best friend I could ever ask for through this. Family and friends have been supportive too, without all of these people things would look much more grim right now. If Cliff had not come along, I might still be with my ex David and I would be in no position to battle this. He was a horrible boyfriend and a disgusting person who didn't care at all about me. I've met so many people with those same attributes, I hope he is the last. It's always good to reflect on what's going right in your life especially when it seems like everything is going wrong.

My mother seems to be handling her chemo okay. She started a couple of weeks ago and she sounds very well so far. She told me her doctor said that her bag could be reversed in a year. That is assuming her treatment yields good results and the cancer goes away. I'm not sure how likely that is yet, but I will post when i know more. For now I am going to appreciate every moment I spend with her.

New News

I found out Monday that my Doctor has decided that my cancer stage is not 1B, it is more like 1S. This is because my blood work shows that my tumor markers are still elevated. This means that there could be more free-flowing cancer in my blood stream than he and his colleagues original suspected. I'm not surprised actually, something told me another pitfall was on the horizon. It sucks. I had to cancel plans to see fly to Tennessee and visit my grandmother over this sudden extension of treatment.

I'm still struggling with medicaid and the "people" at the disability office. I received 8 thick envelopes from Disability determinations to fill out and return. It's just ridiculous. They are barely treating me as it is and my medical bills are over 10,000 now. My mother had to wait for medicaid before she could even start chemotherapy and was told by her doctor that because of the untimely manner in which Medicaid acts, he might not be able to administer the treatment in time. How sick is that?

I feel a certain way this morning, it's 5:30AM. I have been up since around 4AM. Cliff woke up super early to go into work to set up some things before the store opens and I couldn't fall back to sleep. Just thinking about how I can't wait for this to be over and I hope and pray it doesn't come back ever. I don't want to end up like one of those people bound to a chair, jobless, sick, connected to some implanted device perminently. I apologize if that is too harsh for the reader but it isn't a pretty picture to paint. I could be doing a lot more if treatments and check-ups were not constantly consuming my time, even at home I have to think about appointments and worries which takes time away from productivity as well.

I did have some fun with Cliff and Boh at the beach over the weekend. Then I stayed at Boh's to get to and from chemo Monday-Wednesday. We had fun just relaxing, even at chemo he waits with me and the time goes by so much faster. His mom's car inconveniently broke down over the weekend so getting to and from was an ordeal these past few days but somehow he managed to find rides and I was there in time everyday.

So in the days I stayed at Boh's house he played a song on his piano that I found really captivating and beautiful. I assumed it was from the book in front of him but it turned out to be written by him, for me. It had words to it and everything. Quite amazing and beautiful. The song is below. Very few things geven to me have caused me to become teary eyed, but this one certainly did. The rest of his album is great too, I encourage you to listen.
The song is below...

There are some pictures below from last week when Boh and I shaved our heads, and some more recent pictures. So much I wasn't able to blog about, so this blog bounces around a bit. We also baked Halloween cupcakes for the people I work with as a thank you for donating and trying to help me. Boh's birthday was on the 18th and although he was at chemo with me most of the day, I bought him gifts and we had Curry and Birthday Blast ice cream that evening. I bought him an omlete pan that encloses making it super easy to cook. Also got him a few little things but the main gift was a picture book I created about our friendship.

Waffle house with Cliff & Boh!

 OFF WITH YOUR HAIR!

Halloween Cupcakes!

My favorite niece Kailey!

A very naked little girl kissing a lamb on Boh's mother's piano!
I love it!

I will kick your butt cancer cells! I WILL!!

                              Happy Birthday Boh!                          Creamy Cheesy Cheesy Cream!

Sleepy Boh

Finished off the night with delicious Curry!