My hair finally started growing back about a week ago. It's super soft like baby hair. It's still very thin on my head but it's nice to see that it's coming back! A large portion of my physical strength has returned and I've been able to get out and jog a few times with some good results. My feet go numb when I jog, but it seems to be getting better. There are a lot of dark markings on my shoulders as well as the rest of my body but they too seem to be getting better, although very slowly. Physically I'm making a pretty good recovery and I feel much better. No more fevers to worry about.
Even though I should be happy about the progress I'm making, I have to admit that I don't feel quite as great inside. I'm not sure exactly why, but I have been dealing with the most horrible depression and anxiety for somewhere around 2 weeks. Just when I finally get a grip and the unwanted thoughts and feelings subside, I have an intrusive thought that throws me right back to square one. I can only describe what's happening as drowning in my own thoughts. It makes me feel literally insane at times and then I calm down and I know I'm not going crazy. The relentless confusion of going back and forth in my head gets so bad that physical symptoms begin to manifest like headaches, shaking, shortness of breath. It goes away when I am keeping busy but I have been ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away for too long, it's time now that I face it and move on.
I know it can't be good for my health to let these thoughts consume me. How though do you fight an enemy that you cannot see? How do you solve a problem that isn't there, and how to explain it to others when you don't even understand it yourself?
It seems to me that I am stuck in a mental rut of some kind and it will take time and all the patience I have inside of me to overcome it. I've got to stay confident that I will feel like myself again soon. There is no simple quick fix to problems like these. It just sucks that I feel this way when my birthday is coming up. I have plans to go bowling with Cliff, Boh, Julio, my sister, and my niece. I'm really looking forward to it, I can't let this problem keep me from enjoying my 24th birthday.
To make things a bit worse my mother fell recently and ripped her abdominal surgery wound open. There was blood all over the floor and couch. My niece had to come home and find it, that sight would be traumatic to any child. I'm told my mother's condition is not serious. I suppose they just had to close the wound and she will have to be more careful. I'm very worried about my mother still everyday and I wish there were more I could do. If and when she passes I am going to be a mess. She doesn't deserve to suffer like this, nobody does.
Oh, I just hope that things get better and that I feel like myself again soon. Recently I haven't been able to accomplish much because my thoughts are all crazy and out of control. I have felt this way before and been through so much worse that I know this too shall pass. So much to be thankful for in my life and for the people around me who offer their friendship, love, and support, I don't think I would be here without you. If anything ever happened to Cliff I would certainly lose it. He is the most loving and supportive boyfriend I have ever had in my life.
As for the coming year, I can't wait to get a jump on it! I have plans to make a solid attempt at starting school. I tried to apply for financial aid a couple years ago. Because I was under 24 I had to include a lot of information from my mother including proof that she didn't file her taxes. The IRS would not provide us with the documentation I needed and I gave up trying out of frustration. This time when I apply I will be 24 and I will not need to involve my mother with the application. I can't wait to be in school again learning and doing something new. I've been wanting to give collage a shot for the longest time. I'm finally in a position where it is possible so there's no reason to put it off any further.
Even though I should be happy about the progress I'm making, I have to admit that I don't feel quite as great inside. I'm not sure exactly why, but I have been dealing with the most horrible depression and anxiety for somewhere around 2 weeks. Just when I finally get a grip and the unwanted thoughts and feelings subside, I have an intrusive thought that throws me right back to square one. I can only describe what's happening as drowning in my own thoughts. It makes me feel literally insane at times and then I calm down and I know I'm not going crazy. The relentless confusion of going back and forth in my head gets so bad that physical symptoms begin to manifest like headaches, shaking, shortness of breath. It goes away when I am keeping busy but I have been ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away for too long, it's time now that I face it and move on.
I know it can't be good for my health to let these thoughts consume me. How though do you fight an enemy that you cannot see? How do you solve a problem that isn't there, and how to explain it to others when you don't even understand it yourself?
It seems to me that I am stuck in a mental rut of some kind and it will take time and all the patience I have inside of me to overcome it. I've got to stay confident that I will feel like myself again soon. There is no simple quick fix to problems like these. It just sucks that I feel this way when my birthday is coming up. I have plans to go bowling with Cliff, Boh, Julio, my sister, and my niece. I'm really looking forward to it, I can't let this problem keep me from enjoying my 24th birthday.
To make things a bit worse my mother fell recently and ripped her abdominal surgery wound open. There was blood all over the floor and couch. My niece had to come home and find it, that sight would be traumatic to any child. I'm told my mother's condition is not serious. I suppose they just had to close the wound and she will have to be more careful. I'm very worried about my mother still everyday and I wish there were more I could do. If and when she passes I am going to be a mess. She doesn't deserve to suffer like this, nobody does.
Oh, I just hope that things get better and that I feel like myself again soon. Recently I haven't been able to accomplish much because my thoughts are all crazy and out of control. I have felt this way before and been through so much worse that I know this too shall pass. So much to be thankful for in my life and for the people around me who offer their friendship, love, and support, I don't think I would be here without you. If anything ever happened to Cliff I would certainly lose it. He is the most loving and supportive boyfriend I have ever had in my life.
As for the coming year, I can't wait to get a jump on it! I have plans to make a solid attempt at starting school. I tried to apply for financial aid a couple years ago. Because I was under 24 I had to include a lot of information from my mother including proof that she didn't file her taxes. The IRS would not provide us with the documentation I needed and I gave up trying out of frustration. This time when I apply I will be 24 and I will not need to involve my mother with the application. I can't wait to be in school again learning and doing something new. I've been wanting to give collage a shot for the longest time. I'm finally in a position where it is possible so there's no reason to put it off any further.
It's great that things physically are returning back to normal. I can't remember when we became friends on Facebook, I'm Vonda Burris, but I've followed along with your posts. I'm happy for you. As far as the mental issues, I'm bipolar and can relate to those intrusive thoughts and the like. They're hard to deal with, so I feel for yah.
ReplyDeleteSee you around on Facebook!