Navigating Life's Labyrinth

Life is a whimsical dancer, while at times it can be a monster. I'm in the midst of a tug of war between the good, the bad, and the ugly (for lack of a better description). As previously posted about, I am still headed through a forest of dark feelings but I'm trying to reconcile. Guilt about my own irresponsible and selfish decisions, which I'm trying to own. Confusion about what I believe. Anxiety befuddling my every action. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm sorting it all out slowly but surely. I was hospitalized after everything in my mind came to a festering head and exploded in an overwhelming and unfamiliar display of frightening and delusional thinking. I felt as if I no longer had control over my thoughts. At the hospital I literally wanted to die. I wasn't sure what was real or who I was, and I was certain I wouldn't return home. I believe that was my worst and I'm still working on getting back to my life and sinking back into reality. I was started on medications that seem to be working reasonably. Mental illness has plagued my mother and a lot of my close family so I'm not surprised to find myself facing issues. I know I will persevere.

I have had little contact with my friend Boh in recent times, an obvious and understandable result of his companion returning from overseas. I was really quite upset at first but I soon realized it was for the best. I love having a best friend but I feel like something is different. It's also a bit upsetting when I can't kill a mosquito without my friend suggesting that I'm some sort of malicious murderer for ending the life of a bug. There is such a thing as the circle of life. I appreciate the life of a mosquito in the circle but we didn't get where we are today by letting mosquitoes and rats dominate. I don't believe it's too much to ask that friends respect my ability to decide for myself when it is justifiable to kill a mosquito. I love Boh as a best friend and the times we got to share, but I recognize when change has taken place and I accept that. If we become close again in the future that change will be welcomed, great friends can go without speaking for years and suddenly pick it back up like an epic dub-step remix.

Now that the bad and the ugly are out of the way, I can get to the good that is the Holidays! I've so enjoyed this holiday season. Halloween was mischievous and fun. Thanksgiving was a great feast with tons of food and plenty to be thankful. My birthday was full of surprises, bowling, and 300 foot swings. Finally, Christmas came with much time spent having fun with my favorite and only niece Kailey. I was able to buy everyone close to me a little something and made a little money go a long way. My roommates were all in good spirits and the house was decorated with that special touch of homosexual pizzazz. You know it looked super amazingly gay if I used the word "pizzazz". I didn't get to see my mother on Christmas day as I had planned, but soon we're going back to Palm Bay to swoop up my niece again and so we'll stay and spend some time with my mom then.

As the new year approaches I know what weather I face. I know there will be the usual thunderstorms and rain for which I have umbrella in hand. After the year I've had I feel that I can get through any kind of weather, be it a bright sunshiny day or a dark and vexing whirlwind. I've learned this year that you can never have enough time with family and you should never take love for granted. My first new years resolution is to spend more time with my family and more time appreciating my amazing boyfriend Cliff. I could not go without the corny I Love You's, pillow talk, and rubbing lotion on his putrid feet.

 Cake for the employee birthdays in December.
Not very personal but those polar bears are pretty awesome!

Birthday Bowling

The perfect birthday gift, I've always wanted to crap myself 300 feet in the air. =)

 The bowling alley

The best first ever from the best grandmother ever!

Uhhhh... why did I upload this again? LoL

 

WON TON AT THE CHINA WOK!!!

 Christmas Shopping with my lovey

Denny's

 Pink and Green Oreo Rice Crispy Treats! My illest creation!

The adorable Reese kitty

Our humble little Christmas Tree all covered in balls!

At Manatee Cove with my favorite niece

Kailey opening up her Chirstmas Furby!

Cliff opening up his Christmas foot spa!

I love Zero, but this is going back to the store... lol

 SO FLIPPIN GOOD! Compliments of chef Cliff, it was superb and we're still feasting on leftovers!

My hair is growing back...

My hair finally started growing back about a week ago. It's super soft like baby hair. It's still very thin on my head but it's nice to see that it's coming back! A large portion of my physical strength has returned and I've been able to get out and jog a few times with some good results. My feet go numb when I jog, but it seems to be getting better. There are a lot of dark markings on my shoulders as well as the rest of my body but they too seem to be getting better, although very slowly. Physically I'm making a pretty good recovery and I feel much better. No more fevers to worry about.

Even though I should be happy about the progress I'm making, I have to admit that I don't feel quite as great inside. I'm not sure exactly why, but I have been dealing with the most horrible depression and anxiety for somewhere around 2 weeks. Just when I finally get a grip and the unwanted thoughts and feelings subside, I have an intrusive thought that throws me right back to square one. I can only describe what's happening as drowning in my own thoughts. It makes me feel literally insane at times and then I calm down and I know I'm not going crazy. The relentless confusion of going back and forth in my head gets so bad that physical symptoms begin to manifest like headaches, shaking, shortness of breath. It goes away when I am keeping busy but I have been ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away for too long, it's time now that I face it and move on.

I know it can't be good for my health to let these thoughts consume me. How though do you fight an enemy that you cannot see? How do you solve a problem that isn't there, and how to explain it to others when you don't even understand it yourself?

It seems to me that I am stuck in a mental rut of some kind and it will take time and all the patience I have inside of me to overcome it. I've got to stay confident that I will feel like myself again soon. There is no simple quick fix to problems like these. It just sucks that I feel this way when my birthday is coming up. I have plans to go bowling with Cliff, Boh, Julio, my sister, and my niece. I'm really looking forward to it, I can't let this problem keep me from enjoying my 24th birthday.

To make things a bit worse my mother fell recently and ripped her abdominal surgery wound open. There was blood all over the floor and couch. My niece had to come home and find it, that sight would be traumatic to any child. I'm told my mother's condition is not serious. I suppose they just had to close the wound and she will have to be more careful. I'm very worried about my mother still everyday and I wish there were more I could do. If and when she passes I am going to be a mess. She doesn't deserve to suffer like this, nobody does.

Oh, I just hope that things get better and that I feel like myself again soon. Recently I haven't been able to accomplish much because my thoughts are all crazy and out of control. I have felt this way before and been through so much worse that I know this too shall pass. So much to be thankful for in my life and for the people around me who offer their friendship, love, and support, I don't think I would be here without you. If anything ever happened to Cliff I would certainly lose it. He is the most loving and supportive boyfriend I have ever had in my life.

As for the coming year, I can't wait to get a jump on it! I have plans to make a solid attempt at starting school. I tried to apply for financial aid a couple years ago. Because I was under 24 I had to include a lot of information from my mother including proof that she didn't file her taxes. The IRS would not provide us with the documentation I needed and I gave up trying out of frustration. This time when I apply I will be 24 and I will not need to involve my mother with the application. I can't wait to be in school again learning and doing something new. I've been wanting to give collage a shot for the longest time. I'm finally in a position where it is possible so there's no reason to put it off any further.